This month, for the first time in many years, we actually went on a real vacation as a family. Not just your usual trip to the Lake District or a weekend in Scotland, or anything like that, but a 2-week cruise through Scandinavia and the Baltic Sea. We stopped in various ports along the way including Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki, St. Petersburg, and Copenhagen. Way cool. Anyway, I figured I'd share some of the highlights with you in this edition of the Sandwich. Because there was so much going on during the 2 weeks, I thought I'd just show you some excerpts from the journal I kept during the trip.
Day 1. We finally arrive at Southampton and begin to search for the terminal where our ship is to be docked. Lots of sirens around. I didn't know the British had SWAT teams! Wow! This IS exciting!
We're finally on the boat. Man, I can't wait to get going! Our cabin is a tad smaller than we imagined. Plus there are no windows like the travel agent said there would be.
The purser said that Customs is delaying our departure for 3 more hours.
There sure seems to be a lot of elderly people on board. I guess that's good. No wild drunken young people to mess up everyone else's good time.
Yay! We're finally on our way! I'll bet the Jamaican crew members the SWAT team arrested for possession of several kilos of cocaine and 85,000 British Pounds wish they were still on board.
Day 2. Ah, this is the life! Calm seas, good food, and lots of drinks. The casino is nice, too. There doesn't appear to be too many people in our age group aboard. The music is going to take a little getting used to. Lots of retro stuff like Bobby Darrin, Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, etc. I did manage to catch a bit of a UB-40 song up near the pool but about halfway through it was replaced by Pavrotti. I was walking by the DJ and overheard the bar manager telling him that he's not sensitive or something.
Day 3. Oslo! Now I know why the parrot in the Monty Python sketch would be "pining for the fiords." Absolutely beautiful! Took a while to finally get off the boat with all these old folks easing down the gangway. Cool. More sirens. I'll bet the Captain is real happy about that! False alarm. It was just a motorcade for the visiting Turkish president. Feels kind of nice to be out walking and shopping.
Back on the boat and away we go again!
Day 4. At sea again. I wish there was just a little more for people my age to do. Alright! They've got movies on board! Went to the lounge where the movie is showing. Couldn't find a seat, though. All I see is a sea of gray people with gray hair. The movie today is The Mummy. I mean, come on. I'm starting to feel like I'm surrounded by mummies. I think some of the blue haired ladies were actually getting makeup tips from the film.
Thank God for the casino. Sweet refuge.
Day 5. Still at sea. The excitement is starting to wear off a little. Not a whole lot to do but eat, drink, and gamble. Significant losses in the casino today. It was worth every dime just to talk to the dealers who were on the younger side of my age group.
Went up on the sun deck to catch some rays but all the deck chairs were full and it smelled like a giant pina colada from all the tanning lotion.
Day 6. Out in the middle of the ocean…still! Bored stiff. Not gambling anymore. I just go to the casino and pay the dealers to talk to me. Tried to get some sun again today but started to feel a little ill at the sight of septuagenarians in Speedos and bikinis. <shudder> Oh, yeah. Welcome to the Voyage of the Dust People. I wish I had a gun. Finally felt well enough to eat around midnight. Nice buffet!
Day 7. Here we are in Stockholm. Finally off that damned boat. Wow! The Harley shop here is actually a boat! Lots of cool sights here.
Back on the boat in my walk-in closet of a cabin. Yippee.
Day 8. Helsinki! What a cool city! Street bands everywhere, malls, great shopping.
I bought a knife.
Back on the floating rest home. St. Petersburg tomorrow. I hope I can make it without throwing someone overboard. A casino worker gave me this piece of advice: "Never book a trip on a ship that has its own funeral parlor."
Day 9 and 10. Sailed into the heart of bleakness. The port in St. Petersburg is so stereotypically Russian. Bleak, drab, and dreary.
Downtown is magnificent. All the ornate cathedrals, Nevsky Prospekt, The Hermitage. All of it! The souvenirs here are also a lot cheaper than the other places we've been to. One store we stopped at, Red October, was really cool. Free vodka, beer, coffee, etc to drink while you shop! Man, what a concept! I wonder if you could get away with a gimmick like that in the States?
Well, time to depart and start the journey toward home.
We passed by a Russian Navy base. There was NOTHING alive there. Not even a wharf rat. I wonder how much I could buy one of those boats for…
Seas are a little rough.
Oh, My GOD! There is a DISCO going on right above my cabin! Don't these old farts ever sleep?
Day 11. Just shoot me.
Day 12. Copenhagen. This would have to be the Designer Shopping Mall of Scandinavia. Shops like Rolex, Gianni Versace, Louis Vuitton, Lacoste, etc. How can people afford to live here? I can't even afford to visit!
Drinking LOTS of Tuborg.
All in all, a really pleasant day.
Day 13. Wife and daughter are seasick. I'm broke so the casino dealers won't talk to me. Can't lay out on the deck because the seas are too rough and the wind is too strong.
How can the Brits actually call this game Bingo? Oh, God! Damn midnight sun. I can't jump overboard without them seeing me.
Day 14. Home at last, Home at last. I hope that lying airhead of a travel agent's blond hair falls out!
I think we might do this again next year.